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Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Lazy day, depression, and Seriousness
So I've had a way lazy day today, pretty much just sat around and I didn't even get ready for the day which really is unusual for me, but this sort of day instead of being relaxing and rejuvenating for me actually does the opposite and makes me fairly depressed, same with movies lately, I can't watch a movie and not feel like "wow that was just a waste of two hours". I guess I just hate thinking that I've had such a wasteful day and not accomplished much, I did relax with the kids a bit but nothing with active attention for them. Than reading the news I came upon the story about a younger woman who has cancer and her blog, checked out the blog(http://toddlerplanet.wordpress.com/) and it talked about her friend who just died from cancer. Well now you see me crying because we have such short lives, and there is no guarantee for how long we will get. And I just wasted a day in which I could have spent time with my wonderful kids to love them to teach them. That is one of my worst fears in this life is losing that time, I want to love my husband spend so much time with him and grow old together, I want the memories, I want to see my kids get married and love and play with my grandchildren. Sometimes I feel like we have all the time in the world and I know I at least don't always focus on the most precious things of this life. So I am really going to try and simplify, love, and enjoy everyday more, and work my butt off cuz' this is the only time I get, maybe Heavenly Father will give me enough time to become if not perfect at least more exceedingly pure. "Maybe I'm crazy but sometimes I feel like I won't get to have a long life-does anybody else ever get that feeling, cuz' it's scary, not scary in afraid of dying but more scary in I don't want to leave my family behind, I want them with me always and through every earthly experience I want to be here. Anyways I know I'm crazy you don't have to tell me. Just thought I'd get my thoughts out. :)
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I don't think you're crazy, I feel the same way at times. That is one of the things I beat myself up about the most, wasting time, which I do way too often. If something ever happened to me I want my kids to have lots of memories of me playing and spending time with them, and I know I could be much better at it than I am.
ReplyDeleteSO not crazy! I don't think there is a day that goes by that i don't think about that. I want to see my baby grow up...and beome a daddy. I want all those things too. If i go early, God had better have a really cool important job for me to do! :)
ReplyDeleteAlicia - thanks for your sweet comment on my blog.
ReplyDeleteHey, I don't think those are crazy thoughts at all. It sounds like you are feeling some Mommy anxiety. I don't quite know the mommy part yet, but I'm sure I would feel the same way if I had kids. It's funny how hard it is to just sit back and relax and enjoy down time. It was a good thought from you because it does remind me of the importance of time. You are doing so much for your kids though! I can tell! If I do my best I know Heavenly Father will bless us with all the time in the world someday. :) Isn't eternal perspective the absolute best! Thanks for the thoughtful blog, it was a good reminder for me.
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ReplyDeleteHey Alicia!
ReplyDeleteAdd me to your blog list and email me some pictures and an update on your life to 2002rhs@gmail.com so we can get you on the class blog!
Man! There is no way that you've got me beat on the time wasting thing. Since becoming pregnant, I swear I could just stare at a wall all day and be perfectly content. I'm so tired all the time! I don't want to do anything! Doing the dishes-rather not (I can't stand the smells). Doing the laundry-I can wear that another day, right? My poor husband. When I read that you get ready most days, I took that as inspiration. Seriously, it's a problem I have these days. LOL. I think you could say this is a low point in my life! :) Ya know Alicia, it's okay to have a few lazy days here and there. (Just don't turn into me!) You're still a good momma and your kids love you to death - I can tell. You guys are always doing fun stuff. They probably don't even notice when you're a little more chill on some days. Just be happy with who you are what you are and where you're at and your kids will feel the confidence you have about your own life and they will be happy. I know, easier said than done. I think it's wonderful that you care so deeply about being a great mom. I just worry sometimes that you feel so guilty all the time that you just plain don't feel good. You are doing great and you are one of the best people I know. I love you! That might be the longest comment I have ever and will ever make. All for you baby!:)
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